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WEATHERTON 

AS A CORTEZ 



YAH TAGGY" 



RICH. GALD 




SECOND EDITION 



WEATHERTON 

AS A CORTEZ 



AND 
44 



YAH TAGGY" 



GEORGE ALBERT ALDRICH 

I' 

[RICH GALD] 



SECOND EDITION 



/.o\ 






COPYRIGHT BY 
GEORGE ALBERT ALDRICH 



/ 



^UG 21 19/6 
^CI.A4y7287 



''I am a financier, Jones. There are two promi- 
nent gods in the business-world. Reason and Love. 
I hope I remain agreeahle to hoth.^' 

Weatherton. 



WEATHERTON POSES AS A CORTEZ. 

jTj EAR reader, you have experienced of the 
iy flesh-pots of down-town eating-house life? 
^ You have imbibed in mines of wines whose 
gaudy signs are significant of plenteousness in 
that particular much which seemeth needful to 
the ever-indolent and always hungry? You have 
been flushed with surfeit at those tables of bounty 
characteristic of the restauranted portion of a 
wide and populous city, filled with the always 
wanting. And you have fled perspiringly home- 
ward with, oh such an a])undance of gratitude 
illuminating your unmitigated greed, even as we. 

Gliding up-street 'neath the glimmering arc- 
lamps of industrious but penny wise contract crea- 
tion, you pirouette at a corner half faltering to 
change your mind and determined programme for 
the evening; you pirouette, we suggest, to quite 
about-face; and encounter a familiar personage 
sauntering immediately at you, and in absurdly a 
diametrically opposite direction. 

''Weatherton!" you exclaim, again as we, "De- 
lighted!" 

"My dear friend Jones, Happy, happy indeed 
happy!" comes an unaffectedly sincere response. 
"Of all on earth the very person I desired most 
to see. You are well versed in things Mexican, I 
understand ? ' ' 

"U. S. Consul at Acapulco nine years, at your 
service" we reply. 

"Quite right; and are willing to talk a little re 
the present bellicose outlook?" 

"Perfectly" we answer. 



4 Weathertox Poses as a Coetez. 

"Then kindly drop into the St. Francis with 
me and enjoy a cigar" pnrsnesthe other man. 

"To shorten matters, I wish yon wonld pernse 
this document I have with me: one very formid- 
able of external appearance isn't it? I assure you 
it is quite as forbiddingly superior of content. Al- 
low me?" 

We take the proffered paper, and read: — 

Suggestions for 

Congress 

re 

Mexican Difficulty. 

Present a memorial to the Mexican Government, 
stimulating it to appreciation of the fact that the 
Peace necessary to proper conduct of trade, and 
its dej^endencies, has poignantly appealed to these 
U. S. as a crying necessit}^ 

That, therefore, we the American people briefly 
and resi^ectfully request our sister government 
to the South to adopt procedure (without more 
evasion or delay) calculated to protect aforesaid 
commercial interests, and the persons fathering 
them. 

That, pertinent with such procedure, the Mexi- 
can Government accept a loan from the U. S. of 
$10,000,000.00 for seven years at 10 per cent. 

That said Mexican Government convey certain 
provinces (name them) to said U. S. in trust for 
a period of seven years. 

That said provinces shall be deemed security 
for said money loaned; and may be so treated by 
the IT. S. 

That, consonant with said trust, the U. S. shall 



Weatherton Poses as a Cortez. 5 

be permitted to police, manage, govern, control 
and occnpy said provinces for said seven vears. 

That, at the end of said seven-year term, the 
Mexican Government shall consider reasonable 
offer for the conveyance of said provinces to the 
United States. 

That pertinent with this option for the sale of 
said provinces the Mexican Government shall file 
a bond of $1,000,000 as an earnest of faith in the 
matter of said sale said bond to be forfeited npon 
the failure of the Mexican Government to con- 
summate said sale. 

That the foregoing contract shall become mean- 
ingful and effective on (Date). 

Signed 

Countersigned. 

''Well?" we inquire, half inclined to yawn. 
AVe are not a little bored. "So very very thread- 
bare a subject, Mexico. What next, to be sure! 
Japan — but cease, cease. In pity's name, cease. 
Another romance of yours, I presume?" 

"My dear friend Jones, does it read so to you?" 
explodes our odd acquaintance from the South 
Seas. 

"An exceedingly dull attempt, I should say. Do 
3'ou ever rise out of the prosaic and ordinary, 
Weatherton?" This we venture a little mischiev- 
ously. 

"You mean I am so very pragmatic of view, 
ever, I seem to the shallow observer over flat or 
dull?" 

"Precisely. I mean your attempts at romance 
jar one, at the start, much as would the sawing, 
with buck-saw, of a stick of stove-wood. They 



6 Weathertox Poses as a Coetez. 

quite rasp me. Now here, for instance, what a 
jolly lot of poetry in a $10,000,000 loan, with, inci- 
dentally, security in trust; occupation, policing, 
etc., etc., all to be capped prosaicly with so much 
earnest-money, a transaction you sincerely hope- 
won't, after all, prove inducement to wisely drawn 
conclusion on the part of the Mexican Govern- 
ment. Again you are so very incompetent of per- 
sonnel. Why not ladies? Where, ever, are your* 
ladies? Do you live, Weatherton, in a distinc- 
tively selfish world of matters, ungallant? AVhy 
not an heroine; or, sa,y, an ingenue or perhaps a 
female marplot to fill in your over-much barreness 
of effect? Now, really, Weatherton, why not?" 

''Jones, you are testing my humour purely for 
the vulgar fun of it; I know you are. I feel it 
stealing o'er my conscience as you proceed. Mar- 
velous keenness of perception we flatter ourselves 
sometimes in possession of. I so judge myself 
now. Keen of perception. I grasped you ; I read 
3^our meaning lucidh" even as you sweat it out 
between jowt several words. My dear critically 
concerned Ex-consul, I am not attempting ro- 
mance. I am scheming, sc/ienting, SCHEMING! 
Sir, I am a financier; and you have dubbed me a 
romancer! I commit you to thirty minutes con- 
course now and forthwith; and in atonement for 
attempted offense. Are you at my service?" 

"I am. Fire away," we reply amusedly. 

"Ycni know the Mexican moods and methods 
you say. Then sincerely, how do you feel they 
will take to my solution of the problem?" 

"My dear sir, first let me comprehend your 
plans. Are you going to forge this document and 



Weatheeton Poses as a Cortez. 7 

mail it to Mexico as a geimiue Act of Congress, 
duly considered and passed upon? Or have you 
some wild and over ing'enuous advertising plan in 
process of incubation ; the which you intend hatch- 
ing upon the neighboring fences or illuminated 
signs ? ' ' 

"Ah, forgive me, Jones. I will ex]3lain directly 
I light another cigar? Try one of mine?" 

"Mexican?" 

"Precisely. Got them at the International Bank 
in Montgomery Street this very post meridian. 
Met an acquaintance there loaded with cheap 
silver (Mexican) and tobacco. Held tightly to 
one. Gave the other away ruthlessly." 

"Thank you." 

"You see," proceeded Weatherton, "I intend 
forwarding this document you have just been kind 
enough to read, to Washington, D. C, and to our 
representative there. Consonant with my wishes 
in the matter (I feel certain I am right) he will 
introduce it as an emergency bill. 

Upon Mexico's acceptance of this proposal, I 
shall be among the first informed. I hope to profit 
forthwith." ' ■ 

"How; just how?" 

"Simple enough. Upon our occupation of, say, 
Sonora, many of the old drastic law^s and regula- 
tions will become void and null. Among those 
cancelled, I feel certain the customs will predomi- 
nate : for they are most unpopular with us. ' ' 

"Well?" 

"Are you aware, I have no doubt, on second 
consideration, you arc, there is now in force an 
export tax on gold and silver bullion?" 



8 Weathertox Poses as a Cortez. 

''Yes." 

"I propose crossing the line the minute tlie 
Mexican Government accepts the American pro- 
posal — my proposal as passed by Congress — and 
buying iip^.hufjiiig up, BUYING UP all the silver 
coin the land possesses." 

''What then?" 

"My dear friend, picture me with a half-dozen 
twenty-mule teams of Mexican silver coin trek- 
king to the frontier. Fancy me upon arrival at 
the American border-line. Cannot you actually 
hear the tinkle of those several tons of coin as the}^ 
tumble through the tail-boards of my gigantic 
wagons. And no duty to pay sir; absolutely 
none ! ' ' 

"What then?" 

"Jones, guess me. Must I review market- 
values, express charges, government sensibilities 
(Ijlemished government credit), popular prejudice, 
unlooked for competition and the biased gods of 
profitable venture ? ' ' 

"I am dull, Wcatherton. Help me." 

"The Mexican export-tax has been the only 
obstacle to profitable coin-exchange for some time 
past. Your Spanish dollar is worth so much in 
bullion value. It is selling in the states for 45 
cents. It is worth 58 cents, the London price of 
one silver ounce, less cost of coinage. Let us dis- 
regard the seigniorage. I determine the dollar 
worth 50 cents, after I have manipulated it." 

"I glean, I glean! How much do you intend 
investing?" 

"Three millions, American gold. Will issue 



Weatheeton Poses as a Cortez. 9 

preferred stuck within the week. AVill you take 
a few shares?" 

* * -;5- * * * * «- * 

"The Simpkins Bill for adjustment of Mexican 
affairs has failed of passage by less than a dozen 
votes. Never in the history of Congress has a so- 
called emergency-measure met with such patience- 
defying indiif erence ; or such obdurately pig- 
headed opposition as the same proposed act de- 
signed in tiuly Christian spirit, as it certainly 
may have been; and therefore calculated to ac- 
complish all that was to be desired in the way of 
ultimate quietude in; and shapefulness out of 
chaotic conditions to the south of us. It had been 
suggested in Committee that the Simpkins source 
of the measure failed of justification as one simon- 
pure. The walls of the committee-room, it is 
maintained, reverberated with the much repeated 
word, 'lobby.' The name of one astute individual 
residing in the West was particularl}^ given to 
frequency of mention. A person styled Weather- 
ton identified, formerly, with the South Pacific 
had, it seems, been the real author of the bill. This 
individual, we are informed, while much given to 
sabl)atarianism, is pleased to interpret the moral 
qualification of peoples from an abnormally gro- 
tesque standpoint. The Weatherton-man of 
righteous bent must have been twice christened 
on the same day at tlie same hour and minute. Of 
course this is only possil3le at the dividing-line 
of the earth — the 180th parallel — where two days 
meet. It appears this remarkable character, now 
resident of San Francisco, is preparing to exploit 
Mexico by making pertinent use of Uncle Sam's 



30 Weathertox Poses as a Coetez, 

inevitable concern. Deprecating this sort of thing, 
Ave join with the administration in jnstly timed 
repudiation. ' ' 

We tossed the co].)y of the Washington telegram 
wearily aside; and, donning our over-wear, 
trudged over to the St. Francis. Weatherton was 
there ; and probably expecting us. 

"Morning," he greeted us with. 

"Good morning, Weatherton, read the news 
from Washington ? ' ' 

"I have.' 

"What think of if?" 

"Not alarmed. Precisely what I anticipated 
would result." 

"Then you're not beaten?" 

"No." 

"Please explain." 

"My dear friend, I always carry my loss items 
to the resource column. Don't you?" 

"Yes — that is — if I happen to have sufficient 
inventory. ' ' 

"Apth^ responded to. I see joii are an account- 
ant. If you happen to have sufficient inventory. 
My friend I am never short of that. ]My column 
of loss items gravitates toward resource. My in- 
ventories are written-in in red, red Sir." 

"Well, but—" 

"We are going to pass that bill through Con- 
gress, I too am to be the first man across the 
border and into Mexico. These two features of 
my laboriously drawn up plans are to materialize. 
This I sincerely promise you." 

"Weatherton, I have discounted my stock in 
the enterprise. AVill a^ou buy it back?" 



Weatherton Poses as a Cortez. 11 

"Jones, if you were to offer me your interest 
for one per cent of what you paid. I would not 
touch it. AVhy? Because I conscientiously feel 
3^ou would greatly regret having parted with your 
shares. You are going to win, if you will only 
hold on. I am a man of my word; and you have 
purchased $10,000 worth at par. In three months 
time you may sell your 100 shares at a premium 
of fifty dollars. You are to be the certain pos- 
sessor of $5,000 in net profits." 

"What guarantee can you give me for flattering 
results, Weatherton ? ' ' 

"Jones, you know my history. You have heard 
whence I came ; and what sort of a man I was bred 
to be while there. Look at these biceps. Showed 
them last to Southby. He was pleasantly and I 
want to add, profitably impressed. Had you 
heard, my friend was making money? Fact, I 
assure you. Sold a block of stock for me; and in- 
vested the proceeds. Bought — let me see — was it 
Spring Valley? Hetch-Hetchy troubles, you know, 
had forced the water-stock down to almost ab- 
surdity. My report regarding the impractibility 
of popularizing impounded snow-waters sent it up 
again like late-sown wheat. Jones, I was christened 
twice on the same day, in the same hour, and at 
the same minute." 

"Still I get you but vaguely," we reply. 

"I am framing a budget, a pork-barrel appro- 
priation measure which I shall likewise forward 
to Senator Simpkins." 

"Now, do you find me?" 

"And your Mexican scheme then" we hasten to 
assist, "is to be introduced as a Ways-and-Means 



12 Weathertox Poses as a Cortez. 

measure in the form of rider to the appropriation 
bill." 

"Bravo, Jones, clear now, isn't it? You see, no 
thought for expense had been given. The pacify- 
ing and re-shaping of Mexico, however so deftly 
you undertake it, cannot accrue without consider- 
able expenditure. Our first attempt with Congress 
was raw, raw sir in the flagrant greenness of its 
incompetency. We failed absolutely of inevitable 
exj)enditure mention. We shall win this time. If 
not, Jones, friend, have another look at these 
biceps. I shall single-handed defy the U. S. Gov- 
ernment to thwart me. In other words, I shall 
present myself; and dazzle its representatives 
sheer by the refulgent superiority of m}^ per- 
sonality. Have faith in me, man, I am possessed 
of purpose ; and not to be beaten. Get me ^ ' ' 

We rolled our cigar leisurely over to the oppo- 
site side, and puffed silently. 

After some minutes of silence we growled forth. 

"Weatherton give me two dollars and take my 
stock back." 

"Ha, ha, ha, man! I shall note an apj)oint- 
ment for a ride to the park in your new $4,000 
motor-car three months from date. Then, too, 
Jones, we will introduce the opposite sex. You 
suggested my romances were ungallant in this 
particular. We shall hear from the ladies and 
extravagantly, too. Bye-the-way remember me to 
Mrs. Jones and suggest she order a carload of 
bonnets from New York without further delay. 
They should arrive none too soon. In two weeks 
you may anticipate your fortune on the market, 
Sir, on the market. I will guarantee finding men 



Weatherton Poses as a Coktez. 13 

to take your notes on hypotliecatecl security. Be- 
lieve me, I am right. ' ' 

"Weatlierton, you are a veritable god of reason; 
but—" 

"I am a financier, Jones. There are two promi- 
nent gods in the business-world : Reason and Love. 
I hope I remain agreeable to both. My friend, I 
courted twice on the same day, at the same hour 
and minute. I was, likewise, married twice after 
the same code of procedure. There were two 
hone}aTioons ; and twins were the blessedly w^elcome 
result. Had my wife l^een a characteristically 
twin-bearing person, I should have become the 
father — well, let us digress. Buy some more of 
my stock. Take it provisionally. If favorable 
results don't accrue in three months, I will con- 
tract to refund at a nominal discount." 

"Specifically, what discount?" 

"Say two per cent on par value." 

"Then let me have fifty shares below par. Mark 
it down to 98." 

"Good. That determines you finally just what 
I suspected you were, a shrewdly accurate stock- 
dealer; and modern promoter of precision. Ha, 
ha, ha ! Again I recall the exact scientist. Jones, 
where did you matriculate'?" 

"Where liability inventory is kept tacked up 
before one's eyes most of the time. But after all 
I retain faith in your enterprise spite of threat- 
ened periodical relapse. I'll try them. Weather- 
ton. I'll take fifty more. Good evening." 

"Evening, Jones. W^ill call on you to-morrow." 
Then, ruminating, aside. "Singularly rapid 
change of mind. Ten minutes ago he offered me 



14 Weathertox Poses as a Cortez. 

his shares for two dollars. Now, — ah, I have 
it. Flattered! Weatherton, my boy, haven't you 
grasped the oddities of human nature sufficiently 
to comprehend the situation? Flattered the man 
out of his wits, when I remarked his knowledge 
of scientific accounting! One of a thousand; one 
of a thousand!" 



CONCERNING THE YAH TAGGY"; AND 
HER EXPLOITATION. 



[E PEN those remarkable notes, clear reader, 
while r()ustal)()uting at the aeroplane trans- 
bay ferrv-landing, Embarcadero and Mission 
Street, San Francisco, Calif. A wonderously fair 
day! We assure you the weather was fine; the 
I)rimest of the primer-sort peculiar to our promis- 
ing weather-queen of states. Local prophets, too 
many to enumerate, had been gracious enough to 
instruct us Spring rains were to come. Suffice it 
to say they had; and abundantly. This of itself, 
was a condition of- absolute assurance for the best. 
Such is hope, faith and charity to the average San 
Franciscan. We were of the average sort. 

Rains had come, we repeat ; and settled the per- 
niciously irritating water-front dust. Rains were 
to come, too; and again settle the same aggravat- 
ingly disturl)ed condition of the surface cosmic, 
which immediately marks the contour of our pros- 
perous settlement. No. 8 on the country's list of 
commercial possibilities. The dust had been con- 
quered; and thoroughly so: or we never would 
have appeared upon the scene. Armed, as we 
were, with a pair of field-glasses, and a meager 
quantity of enthusiasm, our wharf-dust, of more 
ordinary occasion, might have obscured us unto 
total annihilation. But here we were, comfortable 
and delighted, on this, the 24th day of May, 1914: 
and squatted astride the huge stringer of twelve- 
by-twelve yellow pine usuall}^ fastened to the 



16 The '^Yah Taggy" 

bumping-edge of our admirable wbarves, making 
notes. 

The aeroplane ferry-boat "Aermaide" rested 
on her landing-stage unmediately in front and be- 
neath us. This was the first and trial-week of her 
installation. She had made several successful trips 
over the bay and back — some ten miles — carrying 
a passenger on each occasion, and boasting a speed 
of something approaching a mile a minute. Crowds 
of eager on-lookers were pressing us from behind. 
Our perch on the edge of the dock was a select 
one; and greatly to be coveted. The king's box at 
Ascot never had been the more so ; nor his stalls at 
the pretty little theater in the Ha3Tiiarket, he so 
much effects, etc., etc. 

The "Aermaide" had glided out of its berth; 
and over the small expanse of water enclosed be- 
tween neighboring piers, well on its way across the 
harbor. We were all stretching our necks; and 
straining our eyes in trembling anticipation of 
highly probable mishap. No accident attended her 
rapid, splashy departure. She was soon lost to 
view. Our glasses failed of her location. At last 
accounts she had veered slightly to the northward. 
She was circling about some point on the farther 
side. No; we were mistaken. Her progress was 
still due east. But she had gotten over. Everybody 
was satisfied. Many were turning to leave. So 
very, very quick of accomplishment! It had all 
happened in five minutes ! The many cumbersome 
old ferry-boats, of the various railways and trans- 
portation companies, Avere crossing back-and-forth, 
too. They had required from twelve to twenty-five 
minutes. Trulv we had witnessed a wondei'ful 



The ''Yah Taggy" 17 

consummation; another startling exemplification 
of what the French term Pneu Era marvel. Some- 
one tapped us on the shoulder. 

"The 'Yah Taggy' is to be sold at auction. 
Ad's in this afternoon's paper. Give me a posi- 
tion on her?" 

The "Yah Taggy," we ruminated, virtually 
repeating our accoster's words, was to be sold at 
auction. Give — position on her — "Why?" we re- 
sponded at length, slowing bending our gaze up- 
ward, and upon the newcomer. "You don't really 
mean it? Sold? When and where?" 

"Merchants' Exchange, next Monday at 10 a. m. 
Going to buy? Rather thought you would." 

"Certainly shall bid in for her. What ought 
she to be worth?" 

"Can't guess. No mean sum, though. She's a 
fine boat. Of course vou are aAvare of that." 



Thursday afternoon, dear reader. Ball room — 
the Red — Palace Hotel. Occasion, auction sale — 
l)iggest on record — of certain real properties more 
or less prominently in the public understanding. 
Fifteen hundred people in attendance. Over one 
hundred million dollars represented in the per- 
sonnel of the gathering. Greatest event in realty 
circles for man}^ moons! A fine large hotel to go. 
Likewise a very select site for another on our most 
prominent thoroughfare. Downtown and uptown 
lots too numerous to list. Terms 10 per cent; 
mortgages may remain. Such and such a lot car- 
rying a debt of $10,000. Sold for $12,500; mort- 



18 The ''Yah Taggy" 

gage to stand. ''Opportunity to make a fortune 
for only $2500. Never niind 8 per cent per annum 
on $10,000, 3^ou've got $2500 now, haven't you; 
well, take it; and settle down to inevitable pros- 
perity. Can't fail! You've heard of the young 
woman whom sought advice on the subject of 
matrimony? Shall I marry now; or shan't I? 
She inquired, etc., etc. Truly a clever chance. 
Seize it: grasp it: hold it! What am I bid for 
this valuable warehouse-site at Clark's Point? 
Give me $9000. Nine thousand, nine thousand! 
Gentlemen, make it five hundred more. What, 
you want time to consider? AVell, take it. Nine 
thousand, nine thousand! Ask the man whom 
owns it, if it isn't worth all of that; and more, too! 
Who'll make it $9500? Gentlemen, you really 
can't have determined upon going to sleep! Come 
now ! 

Voice from a particularly opulent corner : 

"A trifle like $9500 is mean enough to give any- 
one cold feet. Make it nine millions, somebody." 

"Well said, neighbor! Ha, ha, ha!" laughs the 
auctioneer. 

"Weatherton!" 

A person of that name has just dropped into a 
chair in front of us. We have touched him on the 
shoulder, forthwith. 

"Well!" responds that individual pleasantly, 
"Glad to meet you here. Buying lots?" 

"Not to-day. By the way, the 'Yah Taggy' is 
to be sold — " 

"Not now. She's mine. Just bought her. Pri- 
vate sale. Want to go in with me? Great, I 
assure you! What I style the greatest moral 



The "Yah Taggy" 19 

enterprise of modern times. My boy I'm going to 
reform the ultra-progressive world, and how do 
you suppose I 'm to go about it. By improving the 
appetites, and health, of our downtown busy- 
bodies." 

"And that is why you've bought the 'Taggy'l" 

"Yes." 

"Ha, ha, ha! Can't guess though, how you're to 
go about it." 

"Dine with me to-day; and I'll elucidate upon 
that point," 

' ' Very well ; what hour ? " 

"Seven. St. Francis." 

"Good. I'll come. Doing anything here?" 

"Just purchased a lot at Baker's Beach. (Toing 
to put up a sanitarium. Also intend having an 
anchorage and wharf. Catch ? ' ' 

"Ah ha! I grasp. And the 'Taggy' is to be 
adjunct to the sanitarium." 

"Correct. Want to talk it over with you." 

***** 

Seven p. m. St. Francis Hotel grill-room. 
Small "Turkish" and potted-cheese. Cigars. 
Silence, always a necessary attribute to voracious- 
ness, has ruled for some minutes past. Weather- 
ton fires first shot. 

"Transferred your Union Oil for foreign 6 'si" 

"Yes.'' 

"What! And dare you look the eagle in the 
eye, now?" 

"Why not?" 

"My dear sir, iDcrtinent with one of nw pere- 
grinations through the banking district, I encoun- 
tered a gold fifty-dollar-piece of 1852. It was 



20 The "Yah Taggy" 

octagonal in shape, sir. Had eight flat sides. 
AVhat do you suppose it had been so designed 
for?" 

"So it wouldn't roll," we replied. 

"Precisely. You might have added 'out of the 
country.' " 

"Why not 'off the earth'?" 

"That would be absurd. Allow me. We are not 
dealing with absurdities. That coin was flattened 
at its edge so it wouldn't roll out of the United 
States." 

"Well our money of to-day is not so minted." 

"Again you are correct. Why trifle with if?" 

"Can't see that I have." 

"You have oiled the circular peripheries of our 
coinage with a foreign product. Your twenties 
will roll like greased lightning! Grant I'm right. 
Friend, sell your European preferred shares ; and 
join me in the 'Yah Taggy' enterprise. Let me 
interpret the name. It means 'Golden Eagle.' I 
mean figuratively. ' ' 

"But you haven't instructed me as to how 3^ou 
intend 'making good' with the 'Taggy.' Certainly 
not by founding a sanitarium, a sort of gold-cure 
institution for tired businessmen?" 

"My dear sir, what are your j^olitics?" 

"Republican." 

"And you haven't become lost to 'Bull Moose' 
theories of necessary ultra-progress?" 

"No." 

"Then you can't fail of comprehension." 

"You intend outdoing the aeroplane Avith the 
'Yah Taggy," an old-time fore-and-aft, wind-pro- 



The "Yah Taggy" 21 

pelled vessel, with a speed record not to exceed 
fourteen knots ! ' ' 

"Exactly so." 

"Weatlierton. This does not sound like you. 
Let me suggest " 

"You want I should discuss the money-end of 
things, ever. Characteristic, you maintain. Well, 
I'm coming to that consummation. You have 
parted with your Union stocks' 

"I have."^ 

"Murder. No, flagrante delicto! Listen to this 
prospectus. I have here advanced sheets, only. 
Conclusively, they are subject to correction." 

A NEW AGE MIRACLE. 

An Organization to Rejuvenate Tired Business INIen ; and 
Resurrect Their Possessions. 

By Re-newing the Man, We Are to Revive His Property. 

Better the Downtown Appetite; and, Thereby, Revivify 
His Worldly Goods. 

What Are Dying Stocks? 

Possessions of Expiring ]\Ian. 

Renewal of the INIan, Means Re-birth of His Shares. 

Capital, $500,000. 

5000 shares at $100. 

Sub-divided as follows : 
2500 shares preferred as to non-assessment ; first lien on 

profits, etc. 
2500 shares common. To be listed with the Board. 

NAILEM, NOOLITTLE & CO., Brokers, 
Bond Street, N. Y., are selling the issue. All inquiries re- 
specting should be made of this firm. 

"Friend," continued Weatherton, "what is the 
carrying capacity of the 'Taggy"? I mean her 
cargo-capacity ? ' ' 



22. The "Yah Taggy" 

''You really dou't intend to make a cargo-boat 
of her?" 

"Believe I shall. Ought to get fifteen tons per 
trip aboard. AYhat think ? ' ' 

"Possibl.y. But why?" 

"Man, my new sanitarium at Baker's Beach 
is to be fitted with an immense fire-proof vault; 
and " 

"And you are going to collect all the under- 
lying, and lax, shares in town. You want the 
'Taggy,' among other uses, to transport these 
shares to your vaults." 

"Perspicacity, thou certainly art attribute of 
proper business acumen." 

"But what do you intend doing with the owners 
of these properties?" we venture again. 

"Turn the 'Taggy,' noble schooner that she is, 
into an excursion-boat for tired ones." 

"And charge." 

"Anything from two to fifty dollars. See here." 

Daily Excursion on the Bay. Schooner "Yah Taggy" 
Will Leave ]\Iission Street Wharf at 2 p. m. Fare, ."1^2. 

Sail-power only. No noise. No smells. No tiresome ma- 
chinery. THE poetry of motion. Old-fashioned methods 
the best. Strictly temperate. No gambling. Three hours 
on the water. Light luncheon, gratis. 

"Weatherton, I don't grasp. The scheme seems 
incompetent to me. How, for instance, are you to 
get possession of these peoples' stocks and bonds? 
By lurid representation, with added promises in- 
defeqtible!" 

' ' Our sanitarium is to be a Trust Company. We 
are to deposit $200,000 with the State; and so in- 



The "Yah Taggy" 23 

corporate. One of the provisions of the compact 
with individual patrons is that they shall reside 
with us; and bring their worldly goods accord- 
ingly." 

"Humph! Are you to supei intend, Mv. Weath- 
erton?" 

"Well, no. I contemplate laying the matter ])e- 
fore Southby — you kiiow^ Southby. He may ap- 
point whomsoever he may see fit." 

"Then you are to be-^?" 

"A share-holder and director." 

"I'm not clear as to what part the 'Yah Taggy' 
is to play." 

"Magnet! Lure, if you care to put it that w^ay. 
I circulate notices, downtowm, in which I dwx'U 
suasively upon the virtue of short work-hours ; and 
more fresh air. Then, too, the excitement of a sail 
on the waters of our romantic bay. Plenty of good 
cigars; and an almndance of ginger ale!" 

"Imported ginger ale?" 

"No. Certainly not. We will undertake to re- 
vivify our domestic bottled goods, too. Take a 
few shares?" 

"Can't do it. Haven't faith in jouy enterprise." 

"My dear sir. I know^ no such word as fail. 
You are familiar with my history and personal 
equation ? ' ' 

"Not especially so," we respond. 

"I," continued Weatherton a little irritably, 
perhaps, "w^is born in the Pacific Islands, on the 
ISOtli parallel. / was christened twice on the same 
day ; at the same hour and minute. In the brilliant 
lexicon of my existence failui'e is not to be found. 
Let me expatiate upon the momentary needs of 



24 The "Yah Taggy" 

our kinetically predominant business existence. I 
have studied the sul:>ject, sir, from a philosophical 
conception of the intinitesimal to a twentieth-cen- 
tury understanding of the infinite. What do we 
urgently require to properly balance our commer- 
cial entity? Formerly, we were patronizingly the 
vantage-ground of international welfare. Before 
our latter day unit of doubtfully representative 
people at Washington became commensurably 
manifest, Europe supported our government. I 
haven't figures at hand; but tell me, is there any 
doubt, whatsoever, that Uncle Sam's Custom 
House constituted his main source of revenue? 
And now! The income-tax! Sir, the American 
people are now pajdng for what, formerly, was 
charged to Europe. Ah, you disagree! Foreign 
in-vestors also pay income-tax. Very true; but 
qualification of, doesn't prove an entity. An ex- 
ception never proves a fact." 

"Weatherton, you're quite a speech-maker. But, 
again how unusual of you to think more of philan- 
thropy, and less of money-matters! The 'Yah 
Taggy' is an elegant boat; and will prove expen- 
sive of maintenance; and then 3^our quarters at 
Baker's Bay!" 

"Man, by acquiring stewardship over the town's 
treasure, a large portion of which I certainly shall 
gain, I take possession of its owners' hearts. One- 
third of downtown will clamor, sir, for its daily 
sail around the ba}^ Where one's treasure is, so 
is his heart. You've heard that aphorism before! 
You see I get the trusteeship of their underlying 
and dying securities. These I lay awa}^ in my 
vaults; and otherwise wisely care for." 



The "Yah Taggy" 25 

''Your intention, originally, was to rejuvenate 
o,ur faded securities. Just how did joii plan to do 
this?" we continue. 

"B}^ storing them awa}^ lest they evaporate by 
diffusion or transfer. By holding them at home, 
and secure from change of identity. I plant them 
in the soil at Baker's Beach. Thence they re- 
sprout;, and start forth anew." 

"Don't fully grasp, yet!" 

"Well, were these properties to be exchanged 
for foreign securities the,y must, of a certainty, 
fade from existence. That is plain!" 

"Yes, in name: but not value." 

"M}^ dear sir, a large fraction of Uncle Sam's 
wealth is embodied in name. Take, for instance, 
his dollar. The American silver dollar-piece is 50 
per cent good name. Absolutely nothing else ! Are 
you going to repudiate it; and trust in some for- 
eign flag's covenant to good faith I" 

"No." 

"Then tell them, downtown, the 'Yah Taggy' 
is to sail daily at 2 p. m. ; and all are welcome. 
Let us rejuvenate our appetites; and Avith them 
our old love of prudence." 

' "Telegram for Mr. AYeatherton! Mr. Weather- 
ton!" 

' ' Here, boy ! What 's this ? ' ' 

"Your newly acquired schooner 'Yah Taggy' has col- 
lided with the aeroplane-ferry 'Aermaide'; and awkwardly 
jibing in the confusion, is hopelessly sinking. 'Aermaide' 
safe; anti proceeding across bay." 

"Zounds, boy! Where did you get this dis- 
patch?" 



26 The "Yah Taggy" 

''Hotel office/sir!" 

"Hotel office be tut-tut! You — a — I say clerk, 
are your wires: — a — Whom has paid for this libel ? 
Libel, sir! An hyperbolically improbable piece of 
embryonic blackguardism! I mean to investigate, 
sir. I mean to probe this heartless triviality to its 
core ; and — and — arrest the boy — no, no, bother the 
brat ! Let him go ! What conlirmation is there to 
this remarkable report? Any*?" 

"Animatoscope man on ferry-boat took a quar- 
ter-mile of photos, sir. Shall I send for him"?" 

"Bring me my brandy, boy. I'm going to re- 
tire! Friend," turning to us, "beg to be excused 
from further effort. Will talk with you to-morrow 
about the lot at Baker's Beach. If present owner 
will confirm the sale, we shall be O. K. without the 
boat. The place was sold to me subject to confinn- 
ation hij owner. I got it cheap — dirt cheap ! Good- 
day!" 



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